I Need a Miracle Right Now (Send Me an Angel)

Greetings Barbarians! Long days and pleasant nights!

I apologize for missing my Saturday entry last week. I figured I should give myself a day off to recollect my thoughts. September has been a stressful month and I’m afraid that it is already affecting my mental state and health. Lately, I’ve been having a series of anxiety attacks and I haven’t been sleeping well. There is this fear that I’d wake up one morning and everything is gone. There would be nothing left and I would wallow in the vast nothingness of my would-be existence. 

To say that my September is tough would be an understatement. There is a significant drop in my performance as a writer and a blogger that I even consider quitting. Despite reaching my highest views per month, I am a failure as a writer and a blogger. I wasn’t catching your attention, and I am sure that I wasn’t captivating you with my words. 

Then, there’s the incident with my relatives. Never in my life, I’ve ever felt so helpless and alone. The people that my Mother helped in giving a good future turned their backs on us. What’s worse is that they threatened and “disowned” us because we were collecting what is ours in the first place. 

I have no one to turn to and all I can do is to pour my heart and soul into my writing even when there is no one reading them. 

I seldom talk about my mental health. I told you that I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder but that’s it. I’m not saying anything else besides that. 

What helped me overcome that ordeal is by focusing on what I can do in the present and not on what happened in the past. I stopped seeing myself as the victim and by doing so, I was able to let go of a lot of excess baggage. 

But times are different right now, one day is all it took for everything to change. I’m about to go homeless again and lose my daughter in the process. Every day, I would open up our shop, risking myself with COVID to make some money.

I recently found out that a person that I have been exposed to, tested positive. Despite feeling well, I can’t say that I am okay. The fear is real and if ever I get sick, I can’t imagine how I can recover from it from a financial standpoint. I’m struggling to save our house, let alone afford proper health care. 

I’m doing everything I can. I’m taking all the necessary steps but I’m having a hard time believing what’s happening right now. It sounds so ridiculous that I’m not expecting you to believe it, I couldn’t even believe it myself. 

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life but “religious” ain’t one of them. I never believe in angels and miracles. There is no one out there who would save us but ourselves, and we do our miracles. But lately, I find myself praying for someone to notice me. I’ve been praying for someone who would read this and say that what I’m asking ain’t much. I badly need a miracle, for some angel to save us because I’m on the brink of breaking down. 

The hardest part for someone who has clinical depression, at least for me, is the inability to see any future at all. The feeling of hopelessness that only ends in utter desolation and lack of meaning. You try your best to smile and tell everyone that you are fine, hoping that deep inside you will be. You don’t want to sound ungrateful, because you are still thankful, so you smile. It’s not that you are not trying hard enough, but you just can’t. You can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel at all. 

Do you know what’s worse than not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? Worrying about it. What’s worse than worrying about it? Finding it hard to control or rationalize your worry. You try to tell yourself that there is no reason to worry but you will find it hard to believe. So hard that you would find it difficult to breathe. There would be a sense of dread and a creeping chill that would wrap around your chest. Chilly yet, at the same time, your head would be drenched in sweat, bullets of sweat. On worse days, your worry would turn to fears… so much fear that you can’t help but cry and be scared. Every anxiety attack feels like you’re dying but you’re not. You are bound to repeat the cycle of fear, over and over again. 

Why am I telling you this? Was it to hold you emotionally hostage and to trick you into donating? A resounding no, because that won’t work, nothing else works. I tried everything I could for you to notice me, but you don’t. You have your things to worry about, and I don’t blame you. To blame is to be a victim, and I ain’t no victim of anyone. If I were to blame somebody, I blame myself.

I’m telling you this because I’m scared, I’m on the brink. This ordeal took a lot from me and I’m tired and I’m afraid. I have experienced a lot of difficult moments in life, and for some reason, I always manage to get back. But losing my daughter, my Ada, that is one edge that there is no getting back from. That kid is my everything. 

If you are reading this, if you are the angel that I’ve been waiting for, please read this. 

https://gogetfunding.com/help-me-save-my-mothers-house/

If you are not, then please point me in the right direction Help me get to where I am supposed to be. Help me find the light at the end of the tunnel.

To my friends who have supported me this entire time, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have done what you could, I apologize for being such a failure. Please include us in your prayers. I will cherish this for the rest of my life. Maraming salamat sa lahat at mamahalin ko kayo nang habang buhay.

To Courage and Strength, more than ever!

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

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35 thoughts on “I Need a Miracle Right Now (Send Me an Angel)

Add yours

  1. Courage ! And don’t worry too much about the Covid – having it (…) usually only gives you 2 or 3 days of fever. And then back to work…. Here Covid patients usually have 7 days off work, and often, even less…. Courage, courage, life is beautiful and hard

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Take courage. Lahat tayo ay dumadaan sa iba’t ibang mga matinding krisis. Ganito talaga ang buhay pero lagi may pagkakataon sa likod ng bawat pagsubok para itaas ang ating buhay sa mas mataas na level.
    Magkapalakas loob kaibigan!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I so needed to read this — I suffer from depression and anxiety Am unable to go anywhere do anything lately — Was in “poor me” mode: Having read your post I just cannot stop crying: I hope that you get your miracle

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Poor me mode is something that I’m trying so hard to avoid. Things are piling up and I’m having a hard time coping with it.

      I’m sorry if it made you cry, I wish things would get better for you too…

      Like

  4. Pouring your heart out needs a gut and dude you did it..its actually a therapy..the more you suppress the more you are going to be depressed..i pray your all problems get solved because miracles do happen.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Pouring your heart out takes courage. And you have have the guts to do that.and I m sure you must be feeling a little better just don’t suppress it would aggravates the depression.i pray that your problems gets solved.

    Like

  6. Oh, I relate to you so much. I also have clinical depression and have been where you are. I understand the hopelessness, the helplessness and the worries. But know that despite everything, there is always hope. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, or the week after, or the next? Life surprises us – sometimes for the worst, and sometimes for the best – and we never know what the universe has in store for us.
    When I was at my lowest, I turned to an online support group called ‘7 Cups’ where people voluntarily talk to you 24/7 and that helped so much. Just knowing that someone was there and wanted to listen and help was very comforting. You may be interested in taking a look? I truly hope you feel better soon. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sophie. It’s just too much right now. I’m trying my best to be strong, but things are starting to pile up. I’m so tired, I haven’t been sleeping much. I just want to keep my kid.

      Like

  7. You’re not a failure at writing. Since my return to blogging, after 2 years away, I fear wordpress is falling to the “likes” of Fb, instagram, and twitter. Very few people bother to comment at all. Remind yourself why you blog and, even if it reaches just one person, you’ve made an impact. I wish the best to you and your family.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’ve been getting help from the government. I don’t know my situation. My housing isn’t completely secure right now. My business is closed indefinitely. I completely understand. But your situation is much more dire and I am thankful I can help. When I pray for prosperity in life it is always with the mind that I want to be generous and share as much as I can. I wish I could give more. 💋

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m sorry to hear that. I wish things get better for you too.

        This is already a big thing for us, thank you. I’m just overwhelmed with gratitude right now. Thank you.

        Like

  8. I am truly sorry for your situation. These are difficult times for millions around the globe. The world is being shaken.

    If you are praying, that is a good thing. There are times we have nowhere to look but up. From a Christian perspective, of course, our strength, our talents, our finances, our very lives are gifts from God.

    If as a writer you have managed to touch a single heart, you are not a failure. Many great writers, artists, and musicians were not recognized as great in their own time. Finances are not the measure of true success. God sees your efforts. And He knows your concerns. May He watch over you.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I can relate to the pain you are growing through. I suffer from the same mental health things plus more. Some people can’t understand what it is like to feel along and isolate. You are a Inspiration to me. I am learning to open up more. I started to lean on my faith more now than ever. It can be really hard especially going through the situation you are in.

    Liked by 1 person

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