Greetings Barbarians! Long days and pleasant nights!
I apologize for missing my Saturday entry last week. I figured I should give myself a day off to recollect my thoughts. September has been a stressful month and I’m afraid that it is already affecting my mental state and health. Lately, I’ve been having a series of anxiety attacks and I haven’t been sleeping well. There is this fear that I’d wake up one morning and everything is gone. There would be nothing left and I would wallow in the vast nothingness of my would-be existence.
To say that my September is tough would be an understatement. There is a significant drop in my performance as a writer and a blogger that I even consider quitting. Despite reaching my highest views per month, I am a failure as a writer and a blogger. I wasn’t catching your attention, and I am sure that I wasn’t captivating you with my words.
Then, there’s the incident with my relatives. Never in my life, I’ve ever felt so helpless and alone. The people that my Mother helped in giving a good future turned their backs on us. What’s worse is that they threatened and “disowned” us because we were collecting what is ours in the first place.
I have no one to turn to and all I can do is to pour my heart and soul into my writing even when there is no one reading them.
I seldom talk about my mental health. I told you that I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder but that’s it. I’m not saying anything else besides that.
What helped me overcome that ordeal is by focusing on what I can do in the present and not on what happened in the past. I stopped seeing myself as the victim and by doing so, I was able to let go of a lot of excess baggage.
But times are different right now, one day is all it took for everything to change. I’m about to go homeless again and lose my daughter in the process. Every day, I would open up our shop, risking myself with COVID to make some money.
I recently found out that a person that I have been exposed to, tested positive. Despite feeling well, I can’t say that I am okay. The fear is real and if ever I get sick, I can’t imagine how I can recover from it from a financial standpoint. I’m struggling to save our house, let alone afford proper health care.
I’m doing everything I can. I’m taking all the necessary steps but I’m having a hard time believing what’s happening right now. It sounds so ridiculous that I’m not expecting you to believe it, I couldn’t even believe it myself.
I’ve been called a lot of things in my life but “religious” ain’t one of them. I never believe in angels and miracles. There is no one out there who would save us but ourselves, and we do our miracles. But lately, I find myself praying for someone to notice me. I’ve been praying for someone who would read this and say that what I’m asking ain’t much. I badly need a miracle, for some angel to save us because I’m on the brink of breaking down.
The hardest part for someone who has clinical depression, at least for me, is the inability to see any future at all. The feeling of hopelessness that only ends in utter desolation and lack of meaning. You try your best to smile and tell everyone that you are fine, hoping that deep inside you will be. You don’t want to sound ungrateful, because you are still thankful, so you smile. It’s not that you are not trying hard enough, but you just can’t. You can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel at all.
Do you know what’s worse than not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? Worrying about it. What’s worse than worrying about it? Finding it hard to control or rationalize your worry. You try to tell yourself that there is no reason to worry but you will find it hard to believe. So hard that you would find it difficult to breathe. There would be a sense of dread and a creeping chill that would wrap around your chest. Chilly yet, at the same time, your head would be drenched in sweat, bullets of sweat. On worse days, your worry would turn to fears… so much fear that you can’t help but cry and be scared. Every anxiety attack feels like you’re dying but you’re not. You are bound to repeat the cycle of fear, over and over again.
Why am I telling you this? Was it to hold you emotionally hostage and to trick you into donating? A resounding no, because that won’t work, nothing else works. I tried everything I could for you to notice me, but you don’t. You have your things to worry about, and I don’t blame you. To blame is to be a victim, and I ain’t no victim of anyone. If I were to blame somebody, I blame myself.
I’m telling you this because I’m scared, I’m on the brink. This ordeal took a lot from me and I’m tired and I’m afraid. I have experienced a lot of difficult moments in life, and for some reason, I always manage to get back. But losing my daughter, my Ada, that is one edge that there is no getting back from. That kid is my everything.
If you are reading this, if you are the angel that I’ve been waiting for, please read this.
If you are not, then please point me in the right direction Help me get to where I am supposed to be. Help me find the light at the end of the tunnel.
To my friends who have supported me this entire time, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have done what you could, I apologize for being such a failure. Please include us in your prayers. I will cherish this for the rest of my life. Maraming salamat sa lahat at mamahalin ko kayo nang habang buhay.
- Russell De Castro
- Penny Berry and Captain Quinn
- Anna Vill Garcia
- Joey Banaria
- Michael Orseo
- Neil Convento
- Bee Halton
- Phutie Tallada and Cherms Mantes
- Marco Banaria
- Mikki Bih0n
- Jiorgio Alvarez
- Sally Pamintuan
- Matt Smythe
- Robby Banez
- Nino and Diana Cassidy
- Susi Bocks
- Arcadio Rivera
- Yang Lee
- Sheila Navarro
- Mrs. Wayfarer
- Devi Pierce
- Three’s Mariaass
- Summerhill Lane
- Maja Asgautsen
- Jess Hannon
- Gail Hysop
To Courage and Strength, more than ever!
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